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no such thing as summer vacation August 18, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 11:20 pm

Well, that is for me anyway. Everybody and their dog has been taking vacations all summer long, and guess who gets to fill in for them. Yup, that would be me. It has been good for money. I’ve needed the extra money…not for me of course, but it has helped. But now I am verging on burn out. I am trying to say no every once in a while so I can have a little down time, and that is a new experience for me… Saying no. It’s a good thing.

I hate it when people complain about their lives. I figure if it is bad, change it. But what I hate even more, is that I have become that person. I am stuck in a situation I hate. I am unhappy, and sad, and a shell of a person I used to be. I’ve been trying to make the best of a bad situation, and biding my time till things can change so I can move on. Well, I reached my limit. I am no longer willing to wait things out. I don’t want to waste my life. I haven’t lived yet, and I am 32 years old. All I do, is do for others. That isn’t a bad thing, I just haven’t balanced it. I am eager to experience and explore, try new things, and possibly fall in love. I am open and so ready, but I am tied down. It has not been a good feeling. I am almost to the point of rebelling. That’s even worse. I would hurt the people I love, the people who count on me the most.

My solution to this mess…. Well, I am taking a vacation in October. I know, I am actually planning a vacation and not just up and going on a whim like a normally do. And this is a vacation with a purpose. First, for me to get away, relax, and have fun. Second, to check out a possible job opportunity and new place to live. Yeah, that’s right, I am no longer waiting for things to change, I am going to make the changes and dam the consequences. Just because something is okay, that doesn’t make it right. It is obvious no is looking out for me, so I am doing what I want from now on and bringing my responsibilities with me….AWAY from Las Vegas. The only thing I like in Las Vegas is my job, but my career is at a dead-end in Vegas. There is no room for me to grow, and I am afraid I will get bored or worse, I will hurt myself in the long run if I stay just because it is comfortable and familiar. Besides, I need more than just work. I’ve lived too long like this. Work is not life. And Vegas doesn’t offer me enough to be happy.

This isn’t a whim, and I know it will take some time and hard work, but I am up for the challenge. I am more than ready for this….Leaving Las Vegas.

Where am I going? Not sure yet. I have some very crazy off the wall ideas, that no one would ever guess of me. I’ll let y’all know soon enough.

 

embracing the old maid in me May 11, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 1:24 am

Oh yeah, I am officially an old maid. This year I have learned how to knit, been banished to a small corner of my bed by two little dogs, and have become addicted to cheesy romance novels.  And you know what? I love it. I love every bit of it. And I’ve done much more growing as a person than that as well. I work hard, pay the bills and support 3 other people besides myself. It wasn’t a position I wanted, but I have made the best of it. I am lucky and blessed to have two jobs that help me support the people around me. I have also taken the time to take care of myself physically as well. I’ve lost a lot of weight, and love my body. I am still very curvy and still have more weight to lose, but I love what I have done so far. I never would have said something like this before, but I am pretty gosh darn amazing. Life has been tough and I miss my mom like crazy and worry about my dad all the time but I have struggled and gotten to know myself and love who I am. I am a very lucky person. Finding self-esteem at age 32 is amazing. I love being an old maid, I get a chance to be me and damn what anyone else thinks. I love it.

 

of dreams and nightmares March 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 7:50 am

I’ve been having a lot of strange and vivid dreams and nightmares these past couple of months. I was chalking it up to the stress of moving and hitting the year mark of my mother’s death. Last nights dream was particularly vivid and is haunting my mind tonight. Have you ever had a dream that both surprised you and made you feel so good, that it actually hurt to wake? And now I cannot stop crying.

The dream…. I was on the phone with a man and walking through the house to my room. I kept getting stopped by different family members wanting to talk to me . Instead of hanging up with the man, I would just ask him to hang on and  talk to my family. He just sat patiently and listened, he liked the sound of my voice and hearing about my everyday things. He never got frustrated, and he never felt ignored.  Once I finished talking to my dad and brother I went on to my room and went back to talking with this man. After a couple of minutes in my room, my mom walked in and sat on my bed. She was so very happy. I don’t think I have ever seen her smile like that. She new who I was on the phone with and that was the source of her happiness. She wanted to talk with me also. I asked the man to hang on again, and then talked with my mom. I don’t remember the conversation, I just remember how good it felt to be talking to her. And then she was gone and I was alone in my room, but still on the phone with this man. Soon I got tired and fell asleep. I woke up to someone’s hand holding mine. It was the man from the phone. He was there holding me, because he felt I needed it.

I felt love like I never thought I would ever feel. It was a burning passionate love to begin with, but so much more that I cannot even put words to it really. One look and I knew him and he knew me and we accepted each other flaws and all and so much more. I am describing this very poorly. I have never experienced anything like this in real life. I have a hard time believing I will ever fall in love. My life is not my own, and I don’t think I have the capacity to let someone into my life in that way. So I settle with being content and taking care of the people around me. I am not bitter or upset. I just accept my circumstances and make the best of things. I will never marry or have children, but I am good person. So it came as a shock to me that I would have such a vivid dream like this. I can still feel my mother’s happiness, and that man’s love is still wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a cold and wintry night.

I feel haunted. It hurt to wake up from that and it hurts now. I didn’t know what I was missing out on. I am trying hard to not let bitterness seep into the cracks of my damaged heart. I wish to be content again. I do not want to dream of things I cannot have. I am almost afraid to sleep again. I am wary of dreams and nightmares.

 

Moving out of my comfort zone. January 28, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 9:24 pm

Last night I signed a lease on a 5 bedroom house that is way out on the southwest side of Las Vegas. This means I will have a bit of a commute to both of my hospitals. Oh yeah…I forgot to mention. I started working at another HCA hospital this week. The sister hospital to the one I have worked at for the past 5 years. So now I split my time between the two. And now I am moving to a very unfamiliar part of Las Vegas……way way out there.

I am excited for the change, but am a bit nervous too. These are some drastic changes I am making all at once. I think what really keeps coming to mind is that I want to be away from bad memories. My family has been on this same street for over 10 years, and those 10 years have been bad and worse. Soon after we moved on to  this street my mother had a stroke that severely impaired her, after that my brothers went through struggles with drugs and crime. Then my dad had a heart attack and has been in and out of the hospital the past couple of years, and more recently both my parents ended up in the hospital last year.  My mother died, and my father spent 4 months in the hospital fighting for his life. During the time my father was in the hospital he lost his house, and I had to move all of his and my mothers stuff into my house that is just 5 houses down the street. Everyday for the past year I have had to drive by their old house. I am more than ready for a change, even if it will be way out of my comfort zone.

 

new year and a new place to live. December 31, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 11:47 pm

I gotta keep with tradition, and move again. Like I have every year for the past few years. I have outgrown the house I am in. So in the next month I hope to have found a 4 bedroom house to move in to.

Oh I long for the days when I had an apartment all to myself. And maybe one day I will have that again, but for now I must have a house big enough for all the strays I keep collecting. I love them, they are family, but it would be nice if someone would at least chip in for rent.

*sigh* So much for a travel job. I gotta post pone till all this is done. Hopefully a second per diem job with another Hospital will come through and I won’t have to worry about getting enough hours. Although it would be nice to get out of Las Vegas. Guess I just need to plan road trips in the spring. Utah is on the list, but it has been awhile since I have been in Arizona and Cali. Hmmm…fun,fun.

 

conversations in dog tongue December 10, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 7:17 pm

I’ve noticed I have this weird habit of talking to my dogs and interpreting what they say to me or my brother. My brother just laughs at me, but my commentary seems to be pretty accurate. Here is last nights conversation…

Boo: *cry*

Me: What is it?

Boo: (jumps into my lap) I stare longingly into your eyes.

Me: That’s not going to work.

Boo: You are under my control, I am adorable.

Me: Stop being so cute and nuzzling me. You are gonna knock Lil Girl out of the chair.

Boo: Think only of me, I am cute. *blink blink*

Me: Oh fine! But I am not holding you all night.

Boo: (evil laugh) My work here is done. Now I go find food guy. He cannot resist my cute.

…(in other room)- Aww! Ready for some peanut butter Boo?

(I shake my head)

My dogs have us under their control. They are too cute for their own good and they have spent years training us. Somehow I only get one small corner of the bed at night. Two little dogs can really stretch out especially when they are mad at me. I can’t complain though, they have so much personality and make me laugh every day with their crazy antics. I love dogs.

 

new self defense weapon… November 15, 2009

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 7:06 pm

My knitting needles. Watch out people those things are dangerous in my hands.

 Yup, I did it. I took a knitting class. I have started my first project…a scarf.  I knitted yesterday until my eyes were crossing and then I lost a loop, and everything fell apart. I had to start all over again. No worries, it was kinda fun. It was a rocky beginning, but I am starting to get it now, just don’t look at the beginning of the project. I’m happy with it no matter how funky it looks. Knitting is great to ease stress, I had so much fun sitting around a table with a bunch of women, and one guy. I had no clue who these people were, but we sat and knitted and chatted.

 There is so much I want to do. I was even thinking of taking a herbology class. *sigh* but that will have to wait a bit. My next adventure is a travel job. It was never the right time before, but my hours are dwindling at my hospital and my little brother is here full-time with my dad so I can work and pay the bills. So I feel comfortable leaving for a few months to make some extra money. I’ll miss my dogs…a lot. But it is just a temp job, so it will be ok. I just worry about my ability as a tech. I can scan, but I have weak points I need to work on. I hope that where ever I go, I can have enough confidence in what I do that my weak points won’t be a problem. I just hope I can adapt. Well…I will never know until I try, so let the negotiations begin. I may leave as soon as December…sucks for Christmas, but my family isn’t too into it this year. Without my mom it is gonna be a tough holiday for us all. But we’ll survive. I always do.