just breathe

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life changing events August 1, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 5:31 am

I don’t think I can even explain how scary  it is to go through a health crisis  and two surgical procedures completely alone. But I had to be brave and make that choice to go alone because my dad needed every available family member to take care of him while I was in the hospital. That meant no one could take time out for me as well. It has been a couple of weeks since I was in the hospital and I am still having nightmares and an extremely difficult time sleeping. It is as if my whole life was turned upside down. My reality check slapped me in the face. I waited too long to take care of mine own health and ended up so sick that they couldn’t even operate on me right away.  I was very lucky and very blessed to be admitted to my own hospital and have coworkers take care of me at such a difficult time. But it made me very aware of my limitations, especially when it comes to taking care of my dad who is in end stages of heart failure. I’ve been taking care of him on my own, but now I am no longer able to handle him on my own.  Man it sucks to admit, but I am not super woman.  What is even worse to admit is that I don’t want to be alone anymore.

Ugh…..I know, I know. I’ve been content to be independent and alone for such a long time. I stopped dating years ago. And now I cannot imagine  going forward in my life without a partner. Someone I love and who loves me. This shift in my thinking has upset me a bit because I have no clue what to do. How is it even possible to date when I take care of an ill parent, and am gonna have to move to Arizona in order to get help in taking care of him so that I don’t end up in a grave first. I can’t even open up to the people closest to me. How do I let a man into my complicated life? I guess a bit more of soul-searching is needed.  Besides if I am moving to Arizona soon things are about to get crazy for a while.

I want a Valium. Too bad I hate drugs of any kind. Let’s just say that I had a really bad experience with morphine in the hospital and I never want another drug of any kind in my body ever again and I hope no one ever feels that kind of slow torture ever. *shivers*