just breathe

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balancing act July 26, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 8:31 pm

I often hear theme music in my head during hectic times in my life. Right now all I hear is circus music. You know the kind of music I mean, it is the sort of music you hear during a juggling act. I am juggling so many things in my life right now.

My dad is dying and refusing to go to the hospital, so with a little help from home healthcare I am doing everything. And I don’t have the support system like I used to. These last couple of years has scattered me an my siblings. My little brother has moved to Arizona and gotten married and has a whole family to take care of. My sister is still in town and she tries to help, but there is only so much she can do. My older brothers have never been much support. I know that is probably an awful thing to say, but they have their reasons and I respect it. It hurts that my family and extended family think this my obligation, and act  like I deserve this. I just wish they had a clue how exhausting and how painful it is to take care of someone who is dying and is in end stages of heart failure. I only sleep an hour or two at a time and then go and check to see if my dad is still breathing. I dispense his medication, watch his oxygen, blood pressure, and blood sugar. I make his doctors appointments, drive him there with his oxygen and scooter in tow. It takes us hours just to go to one appointment. I make sure he eats, I do his shopping, and try to clean up after him when he gets confused and tears the house apart. I do this all the while working my job at the hospital, and while still trying to unpack and put together my new house. I don’t go out with friends, I don’t date, I don’t have much. But I love my dad and will respect his wishes to stay with me and have me take care of him. I will continue to juggle and try to find small ways to escape. Books, movies and my wonderful dog Boo. Life would be unbearable without those. I can do this…I can do this.

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