I haven’t been able to write in a really long time. Still, as I type now, I don’t know if I will be able to say much. I’ve had to put my hopes and dreams aside and it has almost broken me. I am doing something important, but one false move, and I feel like I can fall apart and never recover. I thought losing my mom was hard, but taking care of my dad in end stages of heart failure is even harder. And I am doing it on my own. No time off, no vacations, just hard work and little sleep all the time. And when it is over, I will be utterly alone. I am trying to come to terms with that fact and more. I may never be a mother, or a wife. I may never fall in love, or write a book, or live in another country. I had to buy a house in the city I was born in, and settle in for the sake of family, for my father. I fear this will be the city I die in as well. And I am trying hard not to be bitter or angry or sad. As you can probably tell, that doesn’t always work. For most of the time, I numb myself and just keep working. But there are times……life can be a dark place. I’m a bit in shock that I have written this down….opened this wound for all to see. I guess sometimes a person just needs to purge a bit of that darkness just to be able to keep on going. Just Breathe.
writer’s block and then some July 4, 2012