just breathe

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balancing act July 26, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 8:31 pm

I often hear theme music in my head during hectic times in my life. Right now all I hear is circus music. You know the kind of music I mean, it is the sort of music you hear during a juggling act. I am juggling so many things in my life right now.

My dad is dying and refusing to go to the hospital, so with a little help from home healthcare I am doing everything. And I don’t have the support system like I used to. These last couple of years has scattered me an my siblings. My little brother has moved to Arizona and gotten married and has a whole family to take care of. My sister is still in town and she tries to help, but there is only so much she can do. My older brothers have never been much support. I know that is probably an awful thing to say, but they have their reasons and I respect it. It hurts that my family and extended family think this my obligation, and act  like I deserve this. I just wish they had a clue how exhausting and how painful it is to take care of someone who is dying and is in end stages of heart failure. I only sleep an hour or two at a time and then go and check to see if my dad is still breathing. I dispense his medication, watch his oxygen, blood pressure, and blood sugar. I make his doctors appointments, drive him there with his oxygen and scooter in tow. It takes us hours just to go to one appointment. I make sure he eats, I do his shopping, and try to clean up after him when he gets confused and tears the house apart. I do this all the while working my job at the hospital, and while still trying to unpack and put together my new house. I don’t go out with friends, I don’t date, I don’t have much. But I love my dad and will respect his wishes to stay with me and have me take care of him. I will continue to juggle and try to find small ways to escape. Books, movies and my wonderful dog Boo. Life would be unbearable without those. I can do this…I can do this.

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writer’s block and then some July 4, 2012

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 6:56 am

I haven’t been able to write in a really long time. Still, as I type now, I don’t know if I will be able to say much. I’ve had to put my hopes and dreams aside and it has almost broken me. I am doing something important, but one false move, and I feel like I can fall apart and never recover. I thought losing my mom was hard, but taking care of my dad in end stages of heart failure is even harder. And I am doing it on my own. No time off, no vacations, just hard work and little sleep all the time. And when it is over, I will be utterly alone.  I am trying to come to terms with that fact and more. I may never be a mother, or a wife. I may never fall in love, or write a book, or live in another country. I had to buy a house in the city I  was born in, and settle in for the sake of family, for my father. I fear this will be the city I die in as well.  And I am trying hard not to be bitter or angry or sad. As you can probably tell, that doesn’t always work. For most of the time, I numb myself and just keep working. But there are times……life can be a dark place. I’m a bit in shock that I have written this down….opened this wound for all to see. I guess sometimes a person just needs to purge a bit of that darkness just to be able to keep on going. Just Breathe.