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of dreams and nightmares March 13, 2010

Filed under: Uncategorized — maurianne @ 7:50 am

I’ve been having a lot of strange and vivid dreams and nightmares these past couple of months. I was chalking it up to the stress of moving and hitting the year mark of my mother’s death. Last nights dream was particularly vivid and is haunting my mind tonight. Have you ever had a dream that both surprised you and made you feel so good, that it actually hurt to wake? And now I cannot stop crying.

The dream…. I was on the phone with a man and walking through the house to my room. I kept getting stopped by different family members wanting to talk to me . Instead of hanging up with the man, I would just ask him to hang on and  talk to my family. He just sat patiently and listened, he liked the sound of my voice and hearing about my everyday things. He never got frustrated, and he never felt ignored.  Once I finished talking to my dad and brother I went on to my room and went back to talking with this man. After a couple of minutes in my room, my mom walked in and sat on my bed. She was so very happy. I don’t think I have ever seen her smile like that. She new who I was on the phone with and that was the source of her happiness. She wanted to talk with me also. I asked the man to hang on again, and then talked with my mom. I don’t remember the conversation, I just remember how good it felt to be talking to her. And then she was gone and I was alone in my room, but still on the phone with this man. Soon I got tired and fell asleep. I woke up to someone’s hand holding mine. It was the man from the phone. He was there holding me, because he felt I needed it.

I felt love like I never thought I would ever feel. It was a burning passionate love to begin with, but so much more that I cannot even put words to it really. One look and I knew him and he knew me and we accepted each other flaws and all and so much more. I am describing this very poorly. I have never experienced anything like this in real life. I have a hard time believing I will ever fall in love. My life is not my own, and I don’t think I have the capacity to let someone into my life in that way. So I settle with being content and taking care of the people around me. I am not bitter or upset. I just accept my circumstances and make the best of things. I will never marry or have children, but I am good person. So it came as a shock to me that I would have such a vivid dream like this. I can still feel my mother’s happiness, and that man’s love is still wrapped around me like a warm blanket on a cold and wintry night.

I feel haunted. It hurt to wake up from that and it hurts now. I didn’t know what I was missing out on. I am trying hard to not let bitterness seep into the cracks of my damaged heart. I wish to be content again. I do not want to dream of things I cannot have. I am almost afraid to sleep again. I am wary of dreams and nightmares.