It is hard to explain how many ideas and thoughts and stories run through my head. Putting them down is harder than what it should be. Often times I will draft something in my head, mostly letters, I’ve always been good with letters. But then I will get side tracked and never put it on paper. Today I have had some random thoughts. I was thinking about flirting and how there has to be a flirting gene and mine just hasn’t quite kicked in yet. It is something that tells you when to wink, when to gaze into someone eyes, or just talk a little more animatedly. I think it is something we are born with, because I can remember when my nieces were just babies and how they were little flirts even when they were just days old. And they have attracted all sorts of guys all of their lives. It is like they are magnets, and people can’t help but be drawn to them. So when do these genes kick in? And does everybody have them? I think everyone does, just varying degrees for everyone. And can flirting be learned? That would be an interesting class, wouldn’t you think? Mechanics of winking 101….The art of a gentle touch…..Theory of hair flipping. Yikes.
a new attitude April 24, 2008
This is a bit of an explanation. Bare with me. My blog is changing and I want to explain why and warn you so that no one is alarmed. It is true that I have been going through some very difficult things as of recent. But this is the story of my life. I am the rock in my family and I put my head down and barrel through the bad stuff and try to lighten the load for everyone else. This has always been my role. Often I will forget to lift my head. And life will pass me by with no joy, but relief that I am able to make it through day by day. And then recently I had a light turned on me so bright it pierced my soul. Lowering my head did no good, the light just intensifies and my soul screams. Like an animal that has been caged I am out of control. My calm manor, my shy but bubbly personality, my strength and level headed ways were all but a small glimmer of who I really am. I have stood before danger and darkness time and time again and let the experience wash away with the waves of an ocean. I have stood before the barrel of a gun held by someone I loved and never blinked twice. I don’t share these things, because I let them go free so that I can push on to the next task at hand. I only say anything now because I want you to understand that while I have set these dark experiences free, I am still quite dark myself. These changes to my blog will at times be quite dramatic. The animal I have set free will be the real me, my creativity, my spunk, my spark. I used to be a writer of sorts. Amateur at best, but still, I used to have notebooks filled with thoughts and stories. The light that has pierced me has inspired me to write again. In my stories there is no knight in shining armor to slay the dragon. For me, the dragon is the story, the dragon is my reality. And it is here on my blog that I will be setting these dark thoughts free.
Oh, and don’t worry. I’m still me…..the same shade, just a bit brighter now…more in focus. And crazier than ever. : )
nothing really new to report April 12, 2008
Life goes on as always. I’ve been working and taking care of my parents. I visit my sister and nieces from time to time, but that only gets me sucked into their drama, so I don’t linger around too long. Sleep has been difficult for me. As always my insomnia returns when I am in Vegas. Books have been my constant companions. I’ve read four 800 page novels in the past week and a half…well and I reread one of those during that time too. I usually don’t reread books all that often, but I can’t keep dropping money on books right now and luckily I don’t mind rereading these. Anyways, work is going well. I am constantly reminded how easy it would be for me to move back. Easy, but lonely. I think I’d rather be poor than alone, although alone never really is an option for me either. There is always someone needing me. And I can’t complain, I do love serving others. But sometimes I wonder if anyone will ever be there for me. It is hard to explain what I mean, but don’t take that statement too literally. I just think that sometimes my lot in life would be easier to bear with a little of my own support.
I finally had the courage to tell my sister that what my siblings are doing is wrong…her included. I wasn’t hurtful, I did it with as much love as I could. But forcing the second to the youngest to give up her life so that they may go their own way isn’t right. Yeah I don’t have a husband or boyfriend or children of my own. And it doesn’t look like I will anytime soon, but that doesn’t translate into she has no lifeshe can sacrifice everything because she has nothing. I am angry at my oldest brother. He hasn’t even lifted a finger to help or called for that matter. He who has led a full life and has grandkids around. He has the time and the money, and yet none of the compassion his own parents and siblings need so desperately right now. True I other siblings as well that have done nothing. And I am hurt by them too. I am hurt by the whole situation, but I still love them and I can’t abandon them. I just hope that some day they will be there for me when I need them. I have my doubts.
Vegas is getting warmer. Soon it will be too warm for my blood. I skipped through an entire winter and didn’t get much time to play in the snow. Although I am really looking forward to fun summer activities. Camping, swimming, farmer’s market….it is what has been keeping me going.
Oh by the way….I am looking for a 3 bedroom house to rent. Preferably near where I live now or downtown SLC. My niece will be moving up May 2nd..or there abouts. We can’t all live in my apartment so I need a fabulous place. And once we are moved in we’ll need a fabulous party. I’m thinking backyard fireplace, smores, BBQ…..hmmm.
Only the Lonely April 8, 2008
It’s hit me hard and I can’t shake it. I feel like a monterous wave has crashed down on me, and I am being pulled further out and deeper under. I’ve never felt pain like this before. Like a limb is missing but yet I can still feel it near. Usually my normal distractions are enough for me to conquer this overwhelming feeling. I read three books in three days…it only made things worse. I hurt more now than ever. I’ve cleaned, and moved furniture around, I’ve tried movies, walking, playing with the dogs, spending time with my nieces, I’ve been working, and taking care of my parents. Nothing has helped. I think I was treading the water before, and now I am drowning. I wonder, is it just because of the situation I am in now? Or has this been a storm ready to break at any moment? And it just happened to be now.
I don’t have much that is good in my life right now. And I must be honest….my faith is wavering. I’ve been put through hell, and I am ready to break. I really think the lord has given me too much to deal with.
Don’t worry about me, just writing some thoughts down helps.
A little worse for wear April 5, 2008
It’s been a very difficult and troubling month. I am beyond exhaustion. I don’t want to go into specifics, it all hurts too much right now. My dad is doing better, he’s had some set backs, but life after a quintuple bypass is moving forward. I’ve had to do a little tough love this week, but I am about to break and cannot be everyone’s rock. I worry that I am a completely different person now. Laughing and smiling are so foreign to me. I wouldn’t even know how to handle a social setting. Not that I need to worry about that right now. I’m not even sure when I will be able to break away and go back home to Salt Lake City. *sigh*…Salt Lake. But I will be coming back up to Salt Lake with a new addition. My 19 year old niece is moving up to Salt Lake with me. I tried to convince her to just find some cool roommates more her age, but she is insisting on living with me. So I guess this means I must find a house to rent. I’m drained so even thinking about this right now is tough. Just be patient with me when I come home. I’m gonna need some time. Sorry.