moving woes July 11, 2008

I was hoping for a somewhat simple move. I have been looking for a bigger place for the past 3-4 months. I finally found an amazing place. Plenty of storage and room for 3 girls. I signed the contract last month and we were due to move the middle of July. Ha! This week the landlord got emailed me saying she was thinking about breaking the contract. She had no reason, no explanation. I asked her what kind of delay she needed, maybe we could work something out. After much stress, we finally agreed upon August 1st. I called my apartment manager today to make arrangements, and was given much grief over it. But, legally I have the right to stay till the end of the month since I paid rent for the entire month. So I have to be out on the 31st, but I cannot move into the new place until the 1st. Looks like I am staying in a hotel for a night. And if the new place falls through….I am so screwed. Story of my life.

you know things have gone bad when… July 2, 2008

You sister sends you a text saying she is praying for you.

Only a couple hours sleep after a long graveyard shift, I was called to go to the hospital. Not for work, but for one of my brothers. He’s had a rough time lately with everything in his life. I thought he was bouncing back, but something happened and he became suicidal. He went to the hospital to get help. Things didn’t go well, and now he won’t talk to me. I knew it was going to happen that way, but it still hurts.

I am so tired. I haven’t had peace in very long time. I know this is my role in life, but I still wish sometimes that things would let up for a little bit. I really need to catch my breath.

moving on June 26, 2008

I found a new place to live, and signed the lease this week. I am moving into a 3 bedroom 2 and a half bath condo in the Brickyard area of SLC. Move in date is July 15th. With my work schedule this is gonna be one crazy move. I’ll have a week to get my stuff into boxes, and a few days to get it moved before I have to be back down to Vegas to work. I am also working on getting a job in Utah. I am getting tired of the back and forth and getting a bit lonely in Las Vegas. I’ve tried a few times to get a job in SLC this past year, and things never worked out. I’m kind of tired of trying so hard. I just wish something would work out for me. Don’t get me wrong, I am blessed. I am very lucky to have what I have, and to have had the time I needed to spend in Vegas taking care of my dad. But now, I need a little relief…break..something. I am so tired physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I am tired of being strong. Lately my dreams have been of running away. Taking a travel job and just leaving everyone and everything for a few months. But so many people depend on me, I just don’t see how that can work.

I might do it anyways. Eek.

aches and pains, oh my! June 5, 2008

I want to put my body on ice for awhile. I am in a ton of pain lately. I have been through extreme amounts of stress for the past 6 months. My body is now fighting back. I have kidney stones that are giving me grief, and now my adrenals are kickin up a stir. I can’t believe I was able to push past that and sit for an ultrasound board and pass. I am now a vascular certified ultrasound tech. Wohoo! Now if I could just sleep for the next month, I would be on cloud nine.

Rainy Days May 24, 2008

I love rainy days in Las Vegas. I do not know if I can express the beauty and awe of it. It is a great gift, almost an offering to ease my tormented soul. To watch the desert sigh in contentment of being united with it’s long lost friend of water, precious water. The rocky pillars surrounding the city, normally angry and menacing, seem to hug the city out of happiness. Those great pillows of dark clouds fill the sky, yet break away in small puffs, letting the blue sky shyly reveal itself and join the celebration of rain. The scent gently encompasses all and hushes the noise that is ever so threatening. Rain is peace. Peace that comes in only a few fleeting moments in ages of time. Peace that I needed, for I feel as if I were being picked apart by vultures. I feel the claws digging at me, tearing at my flesh, blood gushing at every wound. I try to scream, to break out above the wave of wings and claws, but my voice is not there and I am not dying. Death will not come and shew away the dark wave of pain. This cage has no escape. But the rain cleanses even the deepest of wounds, and is my temporary relief.

4 or so inches May 18, 2008

I had a nice little laugh today. I’m working a very long shift…well double shift to be exact, 23 out of 24 hours. I have 11 more hours to go. Yes I am as tired as always, but I take delight and comfort where I can. In fact, we had a slow moment at the hospital and I decided to leave for a little bit before my next shift. I ran over to a little teriyaki place around the corner. This week has been full of odd encounters. When I look my worst I bump into guys that I have an attraction for….ya, tell me about, perfect timing on my part. Anyways, here I am in my grubby scrubs, no makeup, hair a mess thanks to the Vegas heat and wind. I walk into the teriyaki place, and this gorgeous guy looks up at me. Broad shoulders, dark hair, almost a baby face, but very much a man…in a word yummy, and I’m not talking about the food. Basically the type of guy that could chew me up and spit me out for breakfast without a second thought. *sigh* No worries though, I like the eye candy, but I demand something much more substantial. Anyways, I was having fun perving. I ordered my food to go of course…no time, like always. I rush out the door with him hot on my heels. When I finally reached my car and dared to glance back at him, I saw a slim white cancer stick hanging off his lips. Ugh!! Dude killed my fantasy. Yick! His yum factor went straight to yuck! It’s interesting what 4 or so inches make. Again yick!

Strange Dreams May 8, 2008

I should have blogged this days ago. It was fresh in my head and very entertaining, so I don’t know how this will turn out. I’ve been having very strange dreams lately. I blame all the graveyard shifts I’ve been doing. I am going on no sleep for over 24 hours, but I want to get this down before I forget. So bare with me, it was a vivid dream and reads like a story. And is very weird.

I stared in the mirror, choking back a hysterical laugh that was threatening to escape. Though why I was worried I didn’t know, I was alone for the moment. The reflection in the mirror brought up many emotions ranging from amusement to horror to confusion. I had never been one for pacts, but somehow I felt like I was caught up in an imaginary one. One that I never knew existed, but obviously did. Otherwise I wouldn’t be staring at the strange dress I was wearing, or fidgeting with a veil. Ha! A veil. Never in a million years would I ever consent to wearing a veil on my wedding day, it was such a waste of good hair. Yet here I was, wearing a light blue jumper dress that hit my knees, complimented with a very white and ruffly shirt underneath, a stiff white veil that covered practically every inch of my hair and very simple white keds on my feet. I snorted, that’s what I get for marrying an 80’s child. I rolled my eyes. How did I get myself into this mess? This would be a marriage of convenience, not love, as I always knew I wouldn’t find. But I had vowed never to marry, so this must be some sick dream. I took a deep breath and leaned out the door to peak outside. Hoping the cold air would wake me…it didn’t. Maybe I could just walk away. But then almost violently a flood emotions overwhelmed me as I thought of all the people I would disappoint, not including the groom. I was just about to lean back into the room when I heard someone call my name. It stunned me, I wasn’t prepared to talk to anyone, and especially not her. Cee came bouncing up eagerly and pushed her way through the door. I was stunned, I hadn’t seen or heard from her in years. I didn’t remember inviting her, I didn’t invite her, as the reasons why I wouldn’t flickered through my head. She was on engagement number 19, I think. Not someone I wanted near me when I was so skittish anyways. She didn’t see the anger on my face as she talked animatedly about the “happy event”. After her small talk died she finally managed a good long look at me. I had recovered by then and looked blankly back at her. She was taking in my mood, sizing me up, ready to pounce at the first sign of weakness. She wanted to me to skip out. I could see that clear as day. Not because she new any of the particulars, no this was a more selfish endeavor. She wanted me to fail, so that she would feel better. She couldn’t bare the thought that someone like me was marrying before her. But at that moment I showed no sign of weakness, I quietly thanked my stubborn nature for that. I was determined to go through with this. I hadn’t heard her continue with little things about this and that with the wedding, but suddenly her words sliced through me like fire, she mentioned the kiss. Had we practiced the kiss for the ceremony? I was mortified. How had I let that detail slip pass? How could we kiss in front of everyone? We had never kissed before, and never wanted to. I felt sick, nervous and nauseated at the same time. Cee noticed and faked concern. She was whispering to me now, something about leaving a note and making sure everyone was informed of my decision. My head snapped up and rage filled me. I tried to reign things in before I lashed out. I opted for a dramatic walk out, and grabbed my bouquet and declared I had a wedding to attend. I ran out the door not caring that my hair and makeup would never last the long walk I had to make to the ceremony. Down the street I glanced at an empty park bench. I rushed to it and sat heavily with a sigh. An almost perfect plan thwarted by a kiss.

I woke up after that….soooo weird.

Oh, and for some reason, I was marrying a younger version of Billy Idol. Fun eh.

Battle May 5, 2008

I’ve been thinking of battles lately. Like the struggle between good and evil, right and wrong. But the battles I have in mind are a bit different. Have you ever struggled between two good things? Or battled between doing what is responsible, or what you have a passion for? Not everything in life is black and white, and I am grateful for that. But how do you decide to lead your life? How do you live your dream and live at the same time? How does someone create, invent, or inspire and be responsible at the same time? Can those things exist in the same world? Well yes they do exist in the same world, but can they get along? It is maddening to be the responsible one and try to dream as well. It seems school, work, and the obligations of everyday life beat the passion out of us. So I often wonder…why do we do it? I guess if I am completely honest with myself, the reward wouldn’t be as great without the struggle. That would be a true victory.

thoughts run a muck April 27, 2008

It is hard to explain how many ideas and thoughts and stories run through my head. Putting them down is harder than what it should be. Often times I will draft something in my head, mostly letters, I’ve always been good with letters. But then I will get side tracked and never put it on paper. Today I have had some random thoughts. I was thinking about flirting and how there has to be a flirting gene and mine just hasn’t quite kicked in yet. It is something that tells you when to wink, when to gaze into someone eyes, or just talk a little more animatedly. I think it is something we are born with, because I can remember when my nieces were just babies and how they were little flirts even when they were just days old. And they have attracted all sorts of guys all of their lives. It is like they are magnets, and people can’t help but be drawn to them. So when do these genes kick in? And does everybody have them? I think everyone does, just varying degrees for everyone. And can flirting be learned? That would be an interesting class, wouldn’t you think? Mechanics of winking 101….The art of a gentle touch…..Theory of hair flipping. Yikes.

a new attitude April 24, 2008

This is a bit of an explanation. Bare with me. My blog is changing and I want to explain why and warn you so that no one is alarmed. It is true that I have been going through some very difficult things as of recent. But this is the story of my life. I am the rock in my family and I put my head down and barrel through the bad stuff and try to lighten the load for everyone else. This has always been my role. Often I will forget to lift my head. And life will pass me by with no joy, but relief that I am able to make it through day by day. And then recently I had a light turned on me so bright it pierced my soul. Lowering my head did no good, the light just intensifies and my soul screams. Like an animal that has been caged I am out of control. My calm manor, my shy but bubbly personality, my strength and level headed ways were all but a small glimmer of who I really am. I have stood before danger and darkness time and time again and let the experience wash away with the waves of an ocean. I have stood before the barrel of a gun held by someone I loved and never blinked twice. I don’t share these things, because I let them go free so that I can push on to the next task at hand. I only say anything now because I want you to understand that while I have set these dark experiences free, I am still quite dark myself. These changes to my blog will at times be quite dramatic. The animal I have set free will be the real me, my creativity, my spunk, my spark. I used to be a writer of sorts. Amateur at best, but still, I used to have notebooks filled with thoughts and stories. The light that has pierced me has inspired me to write again. In my stories there is no knight in shining armor to slay the dragon. For me, the dragon is the story, the dragon is my reality. And it is here on my blog that I will be setting these dark thoughts free.

Oh, and don’t worry. I’m still me…..the same shade, just a bit brighter now…more in focus. And crazier than ever. : )