Yay…..the Fall season is almost here! I love Fall. Cooler weather, Halloween, pumpkins, leaves change color, new season of TV starts…I could go on and on. I also have quite a few house projects I will be working on since it will be cooler. I am tired of still living in boxes and not having furniture, so I will be working on that. First up…painting, painting, and more painting. I hate white walls. I have most of the paint, I just need to get to it. Fun.
balancing act July 26, 2012
I often hear theme music in my head during hectic times in my life. Right now all I hear is circus music. You know the kind of music I mean, it is the sort of music you hear during a juggling act. I am juggling so many things in my life right now.
My dad is dying and refusing to go to the hospital, so with a little help from home healthcare I am doing everything. And I don’t have the support system like I used to. These last couple of years has scattered me an my siblings. My little brother has moved to Arizona and gotten married and has a whole family to take care of. My sister is still in town and she tries to help, but there is only so much she can do. My older brothers have never been much support. I know that is probably an awful thing to say, but they have their reasons and I respect it. It hurts that my family and extended family think this my obligation, and act like I deserve this. I just wish they had a clue how exhausting and how painful it is to take care of someone who is dying and is in end stages of heart failure. I only sleep an hour or two at a time and then go and check to see if my dad is still breathing. I dispense his medication, watch his oxygen, blood pressure, and blood sugar. I make his doctors appointments, drive him there with his oxygen and scooter in tow. It takes us hours just to go to one appointment. I make sure he eats, I do his shopping, and try to clean up after him when he gets confused and tears the house apart. I do this all the while working my job at the hospital, and while still trying to unpack and put together my new house. I don’t go out with friends, I don’t date, I don’t have much. But I love my dad and will respect his wishes to stay with me and have me take care of him. I will continue to juggle and try to find small ways to escape. Books, movies and my wonderful dog Boo. Life would be unbearable without those. I can do this…I can do this.
writer’s block and then some July 4, 2012
I haven’t been able to write in a really long time. Still, as I type now, I don’t know if I will be able to say much. I’ve had to put my hopes and dreams aside and it has almost broken me. I am doing something important, but one false move, and I feel like I can fall apart and never recover. I thought losing my mom was hard, but taking care of my dad in end stages of heart failure is even harder. And I am doing it on my own. No time off, no vacations, just hard work and little sleep all the time. And when it is over, I will be utterly alone. I am trying to come to terms with that fact and more. I may never be a mother, or a wife. I may never fall in love, or write a book, or live in another country. I had to buy a house in the city I was born in, and settle in for the sake of family, for my father. I fear this will be the city I die in as well. And I am trying hard not to be bitter or angry or sad. As you can probably tell, that doesn’t always work. For most of the time, I numb myself and just keep working. But there are times……life can be a dark place. I’m a bit in shock that I have written this down….opened this wound for all to see. I guess sometimes a person just needs to purge a bit of that darkness just to be able to keep on going. Just Breathe.
home buying anxiety December 22, 2011
I am still a little shocked that I have started the process of buying a home. I am a complete commitment phobe, and am stressed out completely over this. Logically I know this is a good move. I am building a new home to custom fit my needs, and when all is said and done the rent will be about the same or slightly cheaper. Plus the tax benefits will be nice, and not moving every year will be good too. I have a set schedule at work now, plus benefits and things are good with work, I will be getting a nice raise in May as well. So I know buying is the right thing for me right now, but I am still stressed out. I have the home loan to work on, the down payment to put together, and customizing options to work out. I cannot get my brain to turn off. I’m exhausted and only sleeping a few hours at a time.That sucks, because this whole process will take about 4 months. I am only just getting started. I’m gonna have to find ways to deal with the extra stress, because I already have a lot to deal with. I can’t afford a nervous breakdown right now. I will definitely need a vacation after all this, let’s hope it won’t be to a padded room.
Curiosity Killed the Cat September 20, 2011
I didn’t really realize how closed off I have been till I looked at the date of my last post. Eek. Well I’m pulling out of it I guess. My job has stabilized now. I have a set schedule as well as benefits. Only took me 6 years to finally get that, but hey I finally have it. Anyways…..I’ve been growing and learning more about my self everyday, but sometimes my curiosity can be a problem. I let curiosity get the better of me, and signed up on an online dating website. I know, I know….sooo not me, not at all. It took me all of one day of getting messages from guys, and I closed my account. I felt so dirty. And it’s not even like I was wanting to date, I was just curious. Sure I get lonely every once in a while, but to be honest I am looking forward to the day I can live by myself again. I like doing things on my own, and this misstep drove that point home to me. If I do end up in a relationship, it will not be because of a dating website. I need more of a connection than that.
Well that was a fun experiment. On to new adventures. Soon, I will take a vacation by myself. It’s not easy to travel solo when you are a social person, but I am gonna do it, and I will probably love it. fun, fun.
silly doggie November 3, 2010
My Lil’ Girl is too funny. That is what I call one of my dogs, Lil’ Girl. She acts as playful and as bright-eyed as a puppy, but she is 11 years old now. I love her dearly. It broke my heart to leave her behind when I moved to Utah. But she was gracious enough to forgive when I moved back. She now gets her revenge by sitting on my desk from time to time so she can block my computer. She also takes a good portion of the leg room in my bed at night. My other dog Boo takes the rest of the leg room, and whatever covers he can pull away in the night as well. Good thing I do not live in a cold climate anymore. Brrr.
Anyways, Lil’ Girl is a smart little thing, and sometimes she renders me speechless over her daring acts or little insights. A few nights ago one of my brothers ordered pizza. When the pizza guy came she ignored the pizza and tried to go with the pizza guy back to the pizza place. She wouldn’t even be coaxed with the pizza that had been delivered to go back in the house. She had decided to find the origin of all pizza’s. My brother was dumbfounded over her actions and I couldn’t stop laughing.
I love my doggies.
no such thing as summer vacation August 18, 2010
Well, that is for me anyway. Everybody and their dog has been taking vacations all summer long, and guess who gets to fill in for them. Yup, that would be me. It has been good for money. I’ve needed the extra money…not for me of course, but it has helped. But now I am verging on burn out. I am trying to say no every once in a while so I can have a little down time, and that is a new experience for me… Saying no. It’s a good thing.
I hate it when people complain about their lives. I figure if it is bad, change it. But what I hate even more, is that I have become that person. I am stuck in a situation I hate. I am unhappy, and sad, and a shell of a person I used to be. I’ve been trying to make the best of a bad situation, and biding my time till things can change so I can move on. Well, I reached my limit. I am no longer willing to wait things out. I don’t want to waste my life. I haven’t lived yet, and I am 32 years old. All I do, is do for others. That isn’t a bad thing, I just haven’t balanced it. I am eager to experience and explore, try new things, and possibly fall in love. I am open and so ready, but I am tied down. It has not been a good feeling. I am almost to the point of rebelling. That’s even worse. I would hurt the people I love, the people who count on me the most.
My solution to this mess…. Well, I am taking a vacation in October. I know, I am actually planning a vacation and not just up and going on a whim like a normally do. And this is a vacation with a purpose. First, for me to get away, relax, and have fun. Second, to check out a possible job opportunity and new place to live. Yeah, that’s right, I am no longer waiting for things to change, I am going to make the changes and dam the consequences. Just because something is okay, that doesn’t make it right. It is obvious no is looking out for me, so I am doing what I want from now on and bringing my responsibilities with me….AWAY from Las Vegas. The only thing I like in Las Vegas is my job, but my career is at a dead-end in Vegas. There is no room for me to grow, and I am afraid I will get bored or worse, I will hurt myself in the long run if I stay just because it is comfortable and familiar. Besides, I need more than just work. I’ve lived too long like this. Work is not life. And Vegas doesn’t offer me enough to be happy.
This isn’t a whim, and I know it will take some time and hard work, but I am up for the challenge. I am more than ready for this….Leaving Las Vegas.
Where am I going? Not sure yet. I have some very crazy off the wall ideas, that no one would ever guess of me. I’ll let y’all know soon enough.